The Naked Woman
by idioticonion
Summary: Robin does "The Naked Man"


She sat on the sofa because it seemed like the thing to do. She didn't know how long Barney was going to be so she figured that she might as well be comfortable if she was going to be cold.

Robin had already gone through all the more logical scenarios in her head. One, steal Lily's spare key and surprise him in is apartment (too risky, he might bring a bimbo home). Two, get him drunk (come on, she didn't want to incapacitate him). Three…

She'd been over-thinking this, she decided. She's been Ted-ing out about it.

Trouble is, it was probably just about sex, not necessarily about Barney. She'd been so screwed around lately, what with the disaster that was Japan and she'd blown up at Ted, Marshall _and_ Lily over the last couple of weeks… Once she'd fixated on sleeping with Barney again, the thought of it just seemed to fester away inside of her. She'd tried the shooting range and that had always worked perfectly well in the past. She'd even tried to Woo! But even with these distractions, her thoughts always came back to him, sitting there with that smug grin and those killer-blue eyes that crinkled at the corner when he laughed and _Jesus_, had he been working out lately because she couldn't be the only one who noticed how buff he'd gotten, surely..?

The more Robin tried to exercise self control, the more he kept _doing_ things to disarm her - what on earth was that old-man thing about? He was like some kind of manic comedy show and somehow that made him even more attractive.

And okay, so Barney was a whore and her friend but he sure as shit was also one hot guy.

So, Robin had practically thrown herself at him at Ted's almost-wedding but (of course) he'd never mentioned it since. Looking back, she realised she'd also thrown herself at him on that disastrous night that Simon had dumped her. She'd been the one to initiate everything - grabbing at his tie and pulling him in for a hungry/angry kiss that she's sure had been as much of a surprise to him as it was to her.

And afterwards, all Barney had ever talked about was how much he'd upset Ted. He'd never once asked her how she really felt about what had happened between them. He'd allowed her the dignity, she supposed, of self-respect. Because he saw her as a bro, and only a bro. And she saw him as a friend, didn't she?

But when he'd kissed her, when he'd made love to her… She knew he'd be good; she expected him to be _good_, but she hadn't expected him to be so… so gentle, so sweet, so careful to please her. That's why she could never talk to Lily about that night - she could never explain what he'd made her feel. It sounded too _girly_, too out of character for either her or Barney. He had a reputation to protect and the very least she could do was let him keep it.

What would he call it? _Quid pro bro_.

But when he looked at her, that half-smirk playing across his lips, because she knew him, she knew what it meant. All those long, lingering, playful looks; all that front, all that effort to appear as though he couldn't care less. She'd watch him operate and it gave her that twinge inside, that slight twist of the gut that made her feel like she'd eaten something bad.

Nope. Hold it. It was just sex!

If Robin said it enough times in her head, she'd start believing it.

And if it was just sex then The Naked Man was the perfect way to get the strange obsession out of her system. She knew the odds but she was pretty sure that they only applied to men. She was pretty sure that for a woman, it would work three times out of three.

She'd not planned this though. Ted was out for the night (a rare occurrence) with some boring work thing half way across the country and Lily had offered to come over and keep her company. Lily meant that Marshall had tagged along and that meant that Barney didn't want to be left out so they'd all congregated in Ted's apartment to drink and talk and not-watch films. Marshall and Lily had headed off early (excuse? it was a week-night) and Barney had just wanted to make a quick phone call. He excused himself and popped into Ted's bedroom while she said goodbye to Marshall and Lily and that's when she'd gotten the idea.

If Barney was after a booty call then he could look no further…

Robin crossed her arms over her bare chest, then thought better of it. She turned around a little and leaned back against the arm of the sofa, stretching out her legs, one arm raised above her head.

She had a sudden vision of that drawing in Titanic and realised she'd unconsciously mirrored the Kate Winslet pose.

Lame.

She twisted herself back around and crossed her legs. She was still wearing her heels. Somehow she thought that it emphasised how naked she was and was just on the right side of sleazy. There was no way he could resist her this time.

Where in the hell was he?

If she was left alone much longer she was going to freeze her ass off.

But then she heard the door click and without even thinking, she stood up and turned around.

Robin gaped.

Then she grinned.

Then she began to giggle.

Then so did he.

"Looks like we both had the same idea!" He said.

"At least it'll save time!" She replied. Boy, he _had_ been working out.

"We're nothing if not efficient!" He gave her a wink.

Even after everything, even though they were both standing there naked, he didn't approach her. And even after all her previous resolve, she almost lost her nerve.

"Well, this is weird," He said, with a nervous laugh. It made her bold, somehow, to see this vulnerable side of him, the side he'd only ever shown her once before. She beckoned him over and they slid on to the sofa. His hands were cold - had he spent all this time in Ted's bedroom talking himself into doing this? Did he even want her? Barney wasn't exactly known for repeating himself. Oh god… it really wasn't just sex. What in the hell?

He kissed her and yeah, it _was_ about sex (look at him, come on!) but at the same time she knew that making love with Barney wouldn't cure whatever affliction she was suffering from.

"Is this another one night stand?" He asked her, uncertainly.

She couldn't help but smirk. "Great minds think alike," She murmured, between soft, insistent kisses.

"What?" He asked, looking genuinely concerned.

It's Barney. He could fake "genuine." Oh god, perhaps she should just go through with this and worrying about it in the morning?

Again.

Like that really worked well the last time.

Barney's thumb brushed the underside of her jaw and he still wore that questioning look.

Don't stop kissing me, you idiot, she thought.

"Robin," He said, "I want you, _god_ I want you. You can see how much I want you! But…"

Her heart sank. She'd heard those words so many times but she'd always been the one giving them. Those "but I don't want anything serious" and "but this is just a bit of fun."

He pulled away from her slightly, seeing that he'd hurt her. At least he had the decency to realise it.

The Naked Man - the perfect strategy for the one night hook-up. The very worst strategy for anything more complicated. Which of his rules applied to this, she wondered? The Platinum Rule? The Bro Code (again)?

"Barney, we're already naked," She said, although her heart wasn't in it. "What's the worst that can happen?"

He grimaced and she mirrored the expression. Perhaps that was a little tactless of her. What had happened to him after their last time had been almost as bad as it could get.

"We have sex. We pretend that nothing happened." He finally said, with a slight frown.

"Hang on," She said. He was confusing her. "That's the _worst_ that you can think of happening?"

He gave her that look that he always gave her when he thought he'd said something blindingly obviously. "Dur. Yeah!"

"I don't get it." And she really didn't.

"You're going to make me say it?" He said. "You're really going to make me say it?"

"What, Barney?" She grabbed his shoulders. He was being damn infuriating. "Say what?" She felt cold and scared and lost and suddenly genuinely worried that she'd done something really bad that might totally ruin their friendship. When she'd decided to risk The Naked Man, she'd never really thought about the negative consequences.

He snorted. "Scherbatsky, you're a cruel woman."

She pulled away from him, starting to feel a little tearful. If there was one thing she definitely wasn't going to do that night, it was to cry in front of Barney Stinson again.

He leaned in and kissed her, firmly and far more confidently than she thought he would. "I don't care," He said, with a half-laugh. "I'm going to say it. You did The Naked Woman for me and that just increases your awesome. And no matter what you think, it doesn't matter. Because there's no tomorrow…"

As he spoke, as he said that long, rambling, disjointed sentence, all Robin could do was watch his lips and think about how cute he was and how many times in McLaren's she'd longed to kiss them and had been forced to watch Lily and Marshall making out instead. She thought about how all the time she'd been with Ted she'd always had that nugget of worry deep inside her that she could never be what Ted needed and she was somehow letting him down. But with Barney, when he looked at her, nothing else in the world mattered.

He didn't need blue French horns or roses or chocolates. He just needed to smile at her because she really loved his smile. She loved his smile. She loved…

"I love you," He said.

And because, naturally, she'd said it too, in exactly the same tone, with the same inflection, her words exactly overlapping his, she got the giggles again.

But it didn't matter because he kissed her and he took her breath away.


End file.
